An Updated Travel Advisory for Hip Caucasians

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Maybe your startup collapsed or your YouTube lifestyle coach told you traveling is good, and not traveling is bad. Either way you’ve decided you deserve a vacation. But not a typical resort-y, beach-y vacation like everyone takes. Unenlightened white people, unlike you, have ruined places like Cancun and Bali. You are woke, though you don’t use that word anymore, (they’ve ruined that too, eye roll). You’re going to go somewhere really off the beaten path, like Thailand, or Arizona. You’re going to eat like a local, talk to some real people, experience the…

The Vatican said the pope’s statements in favor of civil unions for gay couples did not change church doctrine.The New York Times

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ROME — While the Vatican has confirmed the pope’s remarks concerning the canonization of Jonathan Van Ness (the popular co-host of Netflix’s Queer Eye), the magisterium has reiterated that Francis’s comments do not in any way change church doctrine regarding the canonization of self-described “non-binary fairies.”

In the explosive recent interview, Pope Francis emphasized his view that gay people are “children of God,” before adding, “especially Jonathan Van Ness, from Queer Eye on Netflix. …

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Me: That’s right listeners, today’s episode of ‘Human Catastrophe’ is brought to you by Blue Apron! That’s Blue Apron, “a better way to cook.” Ok. We have a very exciting guest today. You’ve definitely been seeing his name in the news, and this pandemic truly needs no introduction. That’s right, it’s the novel Coronavirus!

Upbeat, synth-pop style podcast theme music plays briefly before softening as two voices fade in.

Me: Hey good to see you man thanks for doing this!

Coronavirus: No problem, thanks for having me.

Me: Flight ok?

Coronavirus: Super easy. Most of the seats were empty, so…

You too could be this relaxed.

Work these gracefully linked asanas into your daily routine to improve flexibility and assure that your vote is counted in the 2020 presidential election.

Begin in Mountain Pose. Planting your feet shoulder-width apart, inhale. This is basically just standing, but it’s good practice for the long lines forming at polling locations, which Republicans are hoping will dissuade you from voting. Exhale.

Bend slowly towards your feet. Standing Forward Fold your absentee ballot neatly into a postmarked envelope. Inhale. Be precise in your motions (especially with your signature). Exhaling, reach further with your hands, feeling the stretch in your legs. …

Your house plant is probably gaslighting you.

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1. Your mail carrier

Sure, most of your dates consist of brief conversations carried out from several feet apart, but he brings you things — gifts! — each time he visits. And such good taste! He never wraps them, but you don’t blame him for that; he’s busy, for God’s sake. Plus, there’s something thrilling about dating an essential worker.

2. Your house plant

Eventually, you’ll determine that it has been gaslighting you by faking its own suicide every time you turn your back on it for more than thirty minutes, but you’ll recall your brief honeymoon period fondly; you gave it tap water and mediocre New England…

If a president who drinks is good, then a blackout drunk president would be even better.

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“For the first time in modern history, both major party candidates for the White House are teetotalers. President Trump and his Democratic opponent, Joseph R. Biden Jr., have not had an alcoholic drink over the course of their lives, by their own accounts.”The New York Times

First of all, we all know that the most important quality in a presidential candidate is whether or not you could sit down and grab a beer with them. But what beverage could you possibly sit down and drink with a president that doesn’t touch the stuff? Milk? Not my president!


Hunting a white whale, even metaphorically, isn’t a legitimate reason to be voting absentee

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Dear Mr. Herman Melville,

Your mail-in ballot has been rejected. Please correct the following items and re-submit your ballot if you would like your vote to be counted.

In the box requesting your legal name, you have written “call me Ishmael.” For your ballot to be considered complete you will need to supply your first and last name and not a pseudonym, which is not considered legal and leads us to believe that you will be an unreliable narrator.

Though your friend Queequeg may indeed be, as you say, a “clean, comely looking cannibal,” he will need to sign his…

Courteney Cox: Hey hey gang! How long has it been?

Lisa Kudrow: Not since that money bonfire David hosted a while back, up in Malibu, right?

(Matthew Perry and Courteney Cox, in their respective ZOOM frames, nod their heads, eyes closed and smiling as they recall hurling hundred dollar bills into the empty pool that Schwimmer had drained for the occasion.)

David Schwimmer: Are we live yet? Tell me when we’re live I need to get into character.

Matthew Perry: Wait seriously? I was told this was kind of a joke thing, no? Like, try-your-best-but-nobody-really-cares-it’s-just-for-the-headline kind of deal, no? …

  1. Governs mainly through corruption and underhanded dealings.
  2. Likes to keep significantly younger, un-consenting women in arm’s reach.
  3. Unconcerned about the moral implications of bounty hunting.s
  4. Clinically obese.
  5. Surrounded by sycophants.

If you grew up on Aquidneck Island, you probably spent many a Friday night hanging around Island Cinemas 10 in Middletown. You would coordinate the carpool and the minivan would drop you and your buddies off long before the previews took over the silver screen. This premature arrival was strategic, orchestrated so as to play the various arcade games rising up out of the lobby’s sticky reddish carpet like absurd monuments. …

Fletcher Bonin

Graduate student and writer currently living in Washington, DC.

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