Dear Mr. Herman Melville, Your Mail-In Ballot Has Been Rejected
Hunting a white whale, even metaphorically, isn’t a legitimate reason to be voting absentee
Dear Mr. Herman Melville,
Your mail-in ballot has been rejected. Please correct the following items and re-submit your ballot if you would like your vote to be counted.
In the box requesting your legal name, you have written “call me Ishmael.” For your ballot to be considered complete you will need to supply your first and last name and not a pseudonym, which is not considered legal and leads us to believe that you will be an unreliable narrator.
Though your friend Queequeg may indeed be, as you say, a “clean, comely looking cannibal,” he will need to sign his full name and not simply an ‘X’ if he wishes to be your legal witness. Also, we are skeptical as to his status as an accredited notary public.
We are also not entirely convinced that “hunting for the white whale but metaphorically” is an altogether legitimate reason to be voting absentee, even if this Moby-Dick character is indeed “the monomaniac incarnation of all those malicious agencies which some deep men feel eating in them” that you describe.
For the return address you have written “it is not down on any map; true places never are,” which we obviously found to be rather unhelpful. While we do respect the privacy concerns of voters, we do hope you will consider being somewhat more specific than “the Pequod” in future correspondence regarding your permanent address.
Your ballot must be received by November 3rd, and not, as you have written, “whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul.”
In the section requesting your date of birth you have included an extensive essay on the cetology of whales. We find this to be not only absurd, but also somewhat tedious and, ultimately, distracting from the general narrative of your ballot.
While you have used the appropriate black ink, you appear to have sealed your ballot with spermaceti. This is not illegal by any means, though it is highly disgusting. Despite the impassioned — and rather graphic — description you give of this particular element of your work, simply licking the envelope will suffice.
Though he may indeed be “a grand, ungodly, god-like man” as you describe him, Captain Ahab is not a registered Massachusetts resident and thus cannot be considered for District 11 Comptroller, even as a write-in candidate.
Please keep in mind that the majority of our poll workers are volunteers and do not necessarily share your view that “all mortal greatness is but disease.”
Finally, in answer to your question, no, we have not seen the White Whale.
Signed,
The Nantucket Board of Canvassers
