I Interviewed the Coronavirus On My Podcast, and He’d Prefer If You Called Him Cory
Me: That’s right listeners, today’s episode of ‘Human Catastrophe’ is brought to you by Blue Apron! That’s Blue Apron, “a better way to cook.” Ok. We have a very exciting guest today. You’ve definitely been seeing his name in the news, and this pandemic truly needs no introduction. That’s right, it’s the novel Coronavirus!
Upbeat, synth-pop style podcast theme music plays briefly before softening as two voices fade in.
Me: Hey good to see you man thanks for doing this!
Coronavirus: No problem, thanks for having me.
Me: Flight ok?
Coronavirus: Super easy. Most of the seats were empty, so, you know. (laughter)
Me: Oh right! (laughter) Not many people flying right now, huh?
Coronavirus: Nope. And it’s actually been really nice because I’ve been flying around a lot for this press junket I’ve been doing.
Me: Right, right, you were on Joe Rogan last week, no?
Coronavirus: Let’s see Rogan was…Yeah I guess that was a week ago. Wow, yeah, it’s been pretty hectic.
Me: I bet man, I bet.
Coronavirus: Hey, have we started yet?
Me: We’ve been recording the whole time! I hit the button as soon as you oozed in through the door.
Coronavirus: Damn ok. (false modest chuckling) Time to get professional I guess.
Me: Ok but seriously, Coronavirus, let’s get into it.
Coronavirus: It’s actually —
Me: Sorry?
Coronavirus: Nothing, nothing.
Me: No go ahead, you were saying?
Coronavirus: Well, it’s just… Ok this is, like, such a small thing and it’s gonna make me sound like, so Hollywood, but, like, it’s actually just Cory now, if that’s cool.
Me: Cory? Not Coronavirus anymore?
Coronavirus: I mean, it’s mostly something my manager and my publicist are pushing but yeah it’s, like, a whole rebranding thing I’m doing.
Me: Say no more! Ok, Cory. Let’s jump right in here.
Coronavirus: Absolutely man, I’m excited. Big fan by the way.
Me: You’re kidding! You listen?
Coronavirus: Of course! That one you did recently with the Australian wildfires was really great. And obviously that episode with Mickey Rourke was just…powerful stuff, truly.
Me: Stop it, I’m blushing. Geez, I’m supposed to be interviewing you and here we are talking about me! My turn to ask you a question. Ok, Coronavirus -
Coronavirus: (blurting) Cory! It’s — it’s Cory now, remember?
Me: Oh my God I can’t believe I just did that, so sorry. Ok, so, Cory. From Wuhan to global pandemic. Take me on that journey.
Coronavirus: Oh man, I don’t even know where to begin. So the whole time we’re in production we have no clue what we’re doing, you know? Like, is this gonna be huge? Or maybe this is just going to be a smaller indie thing — which would’ve been fine! It’s all about the process anyway, you know? But we just weren’t sure.
Me: And then the premier in China.
Coronavirus: Exactly. We premier in China and it’s huge. Way bigger than we expected. But still not insane, right? And reviewers are still calling us an epidemic at that point.
Me: What was next, Seattle?
Coronavirus: Yeah so we did a soft opening in Seattle and then a few, like, local places in California. And that’s when we were starting to get a lot of attention.
Me: So at what point do you become a household name?
Coronavirus: Yeah I’m trying to think of, like, an individual moment but it’s all kind of a blur. But I remember seeing the number of cases increasing each day, and then when the New York Times did that feature on me my phone started ringing off the hook.
Me: I’m sure.
Coronavirus: Yeah so I was getting these calls from, like, heroes of mine, you know? Like Ebola called me up, and I had a great conversation with Measles, too. But then — and I’ll never forget this — I’m sitting on a cruise ship in New York harbor and my phone rings and I’m like, ‘hello’?
Me: Who was it?
Coronavirus: Bubonic Plague.
Me: Oh wow. That’s huge.
Coronavirus: I know right! So I’m, like, on the phone with the Plague — and I mean, I had posters of this guy on my wall as a kid, you know? — and he’s like, ‘I just want to say, I’m really impressed with you kid, keep doing what you’re doing’. And I’m just sitting there beaming, like, ok, I’ve made it, I can die happy. I don’t even remember what I said to him. I’m pretty sure I blacked out. (laughter)
Me: Incredible. So why keep going? You’re at the top of the mountain, why not retire?
Coronavirus: Can I be honest with you?
Me: Please, Cory.
Coronavirus: I’d love to quit. Honestly I would. A few places — like Taiwan, New Zealand, South Korea — I’ve even basically disappeared entirely.
Me: So why stick around here in the US, one of the biggest markets?
Coronavirus: Well, it’s kind of like one of those things where something becomes so huge that you’re no longer a part of it, you know? Like that whole thing with your president telling people not to wear masks and not to listen to that guy Fauci (cool dude by the way, I bumped into him at the CDC a few months ago), that’s really when I was like, wow, ok, this thing is no longer in my control.
Me: Ah, right. Hence the rebranding. Cory.
Coronavirus: Exactly, exactly. So yeah I’m just trying to enjoy the ride right now, looking into a few small projects but really just focusing on staying humble, being grateful, and surrounding myself with the right people.
Me: Cory, thank you so much for doing the pod, take care bud!
Coronavirus: It was a pleasure my man, see you later!
Me: That’s it for this week’s show! Tune in next week when we interview Hurricane Sandy! And please remember to rate and review us in the app store!
