Rudolph Calls for a Diplomatic Boycott of the Annual Reindeer Games
Santa is drunk with milk, cookies, and power
For over fifty years, I, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, have competed with pride in the annual Reindeer Games. This year, however, it is with a heavy heart and a slightly dimmed nose that I must call for a diplomatic boycott of the Games, which are set to be hosted at the North Pole.
The Games are a time-honored tradition among reindeer, an annual event replete with much braying and frolicking in the snow. But this year’s Reindeer Games have been overshadowed by news of deplorable work conditions in Santa’s toy shop. Heartbreaking reports from Santa’s elves have described long hours and meagre rations of cookies and eggnog. A close friend of mine, Hermey, has informed me that his desire to become a dentist was met with derision by his domineering employer. Quite simply, this cannot stand.
You may be wondering why I am not considering an outright boycott of the Reindeer Games. It is a decision I took under serious consideration. But I simply cannot deny the reindeer athletes the opportunity to compete. They work hard all year long, training for the sleigh-slalom, the antler-luge, and ice prancing, all for the opportunity to compete in the Reindeer Games on the world stage. It would be wrong to punish our reindeer for the wrongs of one red-clad oligarch.
Who could forget Dasher’s record-setting performance at last year’s games? Or Vixen’s gravity-defying leaps in ‘86? No deer has been a greater supporter of the Reindeer Games than I. Ever since my own bumbling first performance in 1964, when cultural pressures (really my father, Donner) compelled me to cover my bright, red nose in dirt out of shame, I have competed with vigor and pride.
But times have changed. While I can now bear my unnatural glowing nose without fear of derision, the North Pole is not yet the humane society it might be.
My detractors will say that this measure is too weak. I would urge them to consider the political consequences of enraging Santa Claus. He has monopolized an entire holiday, despite the efforts of insurgent revolutionaries like the much-maligned Grinch (whose Che Guevara-like efforts to democratize the gift industry were met with a swift and vicious propaganda campaign, engineered by one Dr. Seuss, that all but ruined his public image).
Mr. Claus is a mercurial man, and his post-Christmas sugar crashes have become infamous for their vindictive expression. His outrage will be levelled not only at us reindeer (the old man is rather quick with the whip on a tightly-scheduled Christmas Eve delivery route) but primarily at the elves consigned to his toy shop.
“But Rudolph,” you might be thinking, “haven’t you pulled Santa’s sleigh every Christmas Eve since he recognized the earning potential of your bright red nose?” It’s true, and I can only say that these were the mistakes of a young reindeer, one blind to the injustices of the North Pole. I have served at the head of Santa’s sleigh coalition for decades. This is why it is all the more important that I use my privileged position to elevate the voices of the voiceless.
I believe in a North Pole where biological anomalies like myself can find their way to leadership positions in the highest ranks of sleigh pulling, where elves can be dentists, where female reindeer can have the opportunity to pull the sleigh instead of being underwritten background characters, where abominable snowmen are seen first as abominable snow-people. A diplomatic boycott of this year’s Reindeer Games is the first step in making this vision a reality.
So, this year, for the elves, I would implore my fellow reindeer to support my diplomatic boycott of the annual Reindeer Games. While our athletes should still compete, as is their due, I would urge President Blitzen not to send a reindeer emissary to the games.
I can say with certainty that this year, when Santa Claus invariably asks, “Rudolph, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?” my answer will be a resounding “no.”
